This is what happens when you learn a bit about screenwriting. You start to rewrite everything.
SL,UT LIFE was my first shot at a real screenplay. It's a lot different than comic books.
SL,UT LIFE was my first shot at a real screenplay. It's a lot different than comic books.
Check out my previous first five pages, here. Then read the same pages from the second draft and see how drastically things can change in just a few months.
I focused on two main things this time around. (And there will be more changes before it's done):
1) A better hook. (Getting right to the action.)
2) Defining characters by actions.
Enjoy.
FADE IN:
INT. BASEMENT-NIGHT
A house party in Salt Lake City. WILLEM, 32, a DJ, spins
funk music. He is chubby, but attractive and dressed in
pajamas.
TWENTY and THIRTY-SOMETHINGS dance, drink and mingle.
TONY, 27 and JAMES, 25, fight, throwing punches and
grunting. Party goers move out of the way. Tony looks like
he belongs on Jersey Shore. James is a white guy with
dreads.
They knock over a table and spill people’s drinks.
ELI WHEDON, 29, and KRISTEN SHORE, 30, step in to separate
the men. Eli wears a black muscle shirt and jeans. Kris is
black, has a big frame for a girl, and sports a knee length
skirt and a blouse that shows her strong arms.
ELI
Jesus, guys. Chill out.
Kris pulls Tony away, and slams him into a wall.
KRIS
Don’t be starting shit, or I’ll
finish it for you, motherfucker.
Eli holds James’ arms. James struggles and they both topple
backwards.
Eli’s face is smooshed into James’ back.
ELI
Somebody call these bastards a cab.
EXT. PATIO-NIGHT
PARTY GOERS stand around a fire pit, smoking, drinking and
telling stories.
Eli and Kris step onto the patio.
ELI
Bum a smoke?
KRIS
Menthols only.
ELI
I didn’t expect anything else.
They light up.
James runs into the backyard.
JAMES
Don’t make me go alone! That’s when
they get you!
Eli and Kris arch eyebrows at each other.
ELI
Tweeker?
KRIS
No shit.
They step towards him. Eli puts his hand on James’ chest.
ELI
Come on, buddy. We’re trying to
enjoy ourselves here.
JAMES
But dude! The fucking Nazca lines!
ELI
Okay.
Eli and Kris grab James on either side.
EXT. FRONT YARD-NIGHT
A residential neighborhood in Sugarhouse. The streets are
wet from rain. Eli and Kris push James onto the sidewalk.
KRIS
Walk it off, bitch.
ELI
Then sleep it off, bitch.
JAMES
Oh, man. I’m going with the rest of
them.
ELI
Yeah, say "hi" to your friends when
you sober up.
EXT. PATIO-NIGHT
Eli and Kris finish their smokes.
APRIL, 26, approaches. She has mousy hair with little to
show for style, but wonderful tits.
She stares at Eli the entire conversation.
APRIL
Thanks for getting those guys out
of my house.
KRIS
You need to start paying me for
bouncing here.
ELI
Gotta protect my neighbors.
APRIL
I need to show you something
downstairs, Eli.
ELI
Right. let me finish my smoke.
April exits.
Kris laughs.
ELI
What?
KRIS
Are you still fucking that bitch?
ELI
Maybe.
KRIS
You and getting your dick wet. You
must be rockin’ that shit epic.
Eli eyes JANELLE, 22, who stands on the other side of the
fire. She’s super cute, brunette and wearing shorts and a
tight t-shirt.
ELI
Who’s that?
KRIS
Janelle. She’s a rug-muncher.
ELI
No she’s not.
KRIS
Uh, yes, she is.
ELI
Not tonight.
INT. BASEMENT-NIGHT
Eli and Janelle dance to the funk music.
Kris and Janelle take a shot. They laugh and Kris rubs
Janelle on the arm.
Eli whispers in Willem’s ear. They both laugh.
Janelle pulls Eli to a corner.
JANELLE
You live a few doors down?
ELI
Yeah.
JANELLE
Do you have a condom?
ELI
Yes. Uh, just a second.
He hurries to Willem, who pulls down a side of his
headphones.
ELI
Put that shit on auto. I need to
talk with you.
INT. WILLEM’S ROOM-NIGHT
Eli and Willem enter. The room has a nice plush bed,
psychedelic artwork and a scale on the desk.
ELI
Dude, she’s a lesbian. I’ve never
slept with a lesbian before. I’m
totally freaking out. I’m mean I
play it cool, but I’m her only her
second straight guy. How can I
compete with some short-hair?
Willem takes a bag of marijuana out of a hidden drawer and
weighs some on the scale.
ELI
Motherfucker, I didn’t ask you for
weed. Do you have condoms or not?
WILLEM
Patience my son. You have something
that every girl wants, even the
lesbians.
ELI
A job?
Willem puts the marijuana into a baggy, seals it and tucks
it into his pocket.
Eli fidgets.
ELI
Dude, you’re killing me here. She’s
ready to go.
Willem opens his closet and produces a box of condoms.
Eli grabs at them. Willem pulls them away.
WILLEM
Relax. Own your manhood.
Eli breathes in deep.
ELI
Okay. I got this.
Willem holds out the box.
WILLEM
One giant leap for mankind.
Eli reaches his hand in.
ELI
I’ll take two.
INT. ELI’S ROOM-NIGHT
Janelle pushes Eli onto an Ikea bed. The room is sparse
except for books, weights, and a guitar or two.
He kicks his shoes onto the floor. She pulls his shirt off.
He lifts her shirt and kisses her stomach. She pulls it
completely off, leaving only her bra.
He unbuttons her pants.
EXT. ELI’S PORCH-NIGHT
Eli and Janelle, with after-sex hair, smoke cigarettes.
ELI
Well, I gotta hang with my son in
the morning.
JANELLE
You’re a dad?
ELI
Yep. Errol. Three-years-old.
Handsomest little shit you’ve ever
seen.
JANELLE
So, I could stay the night.
ELI
It might look weird if my ex
dropped him off and you were here.
We’ve only been divorced for a few
months.
JANELLE
And you’re already sleeping around?
ELI
Heh. It went sour a over a year
ago. So, it sounds like the party
is still going.
JANELLE
Fuck you.
ELI
Yeah.
She storms down the driveway.
Eli finishes his cigarette.
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